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There’s a moment when you realize what you are doing as a dad isn't working. Maybe you reached for the next tool in your parenting toolbox and it was raising your voice. Add in firm consequences, Olympic-level follow-through, all that hoo-haa and none of it works for either of you.
Raising a neurodivergent kid often feels like trying to follow a rulebook that was never written for your child. Have you ever thought, "Why doesn’t anything work?" You’re not alone. Instead of being “just a dad” for a moment, try stepping into the role of a coach—one who understands, adapts, and helps their kid play to their strengths. What do you have to lose?
Three Coaching Lessons:
Lesson 1–Get Curious, Not Furious
I’ve said this in my head over and over. I learned it from an online parenting workshop during my lowest moments of frustration, feeling like the worst father on the planet.
Get curious, not furious—this simple phrase shifts your mindset from reacting to understanding. Instead of immediately correcting or disciplining, step back and ask, What’s really going on here?
A great example of this comes from the story of legendary basketball coach Dean Smith. When one of his players wouldn’t look him in the eye, he didn’t just push harder—he sent an assistant coach to the player’s home country to understand his background & culture. That effort changed everything. Kenny Smith shares this powerful story in a short but impactful clip (less than two minutes). In it, he describes how Dean Smith, rather than forcing a player to conform, sought to understand him—an approach that transformed their relationship and the team dynamic. You can watch it here: Kenny Smith on Dean Smith.
I had my own version of this realization when I found myself getting frustrated after most family outings. I expected my kids to help unload the car, but instead, I’d hear, "I need to rest." It triggered me—why couldn’t he just pitch in like everyone else? And why do you need a rest from sitting in the car?!
Then I stopped and got curious (after 50 or so times of getting frustrated). I finally truly accepted that being out in the world with ADHD or ASD creates an intense cognitive load. Add sensory and visual processing challenges and it IS exhausting. He wasn’t being lazy—he was genuinely drained. Once I understood that, I could adjust my expectations and find another way for him to help, like unpacking the gear later when he had more energy.
Ask yourself:
- When was the last time you reacted before understanding the full picture?
- What’s one moment this week where you can pause and get curious instead of furious?
Lesson 2–You Are More Qualified Than You Think
Parenting a neurodivergent kid can be overwhelming. It can make you question your basic parenting and reasoning skills daily. But the truth is, you don’t need all the answers—you just need to stay present and keep learning alongside your child.
Your kid needs you—the person who knows them best, who sees their struggles, and who can support them in a way no one else can. You’re already more equipped than you think. And when you are reminded by your offspring that ‘YOU ARE THE WORST PARENT EVER’, simply remind them ‘that might be true but it’s what you got.’
Think about it:
- What’s one area where you’ve doubted yourself as a dad but actually know more than you realize?
- How can you remind yourself that you are the right person for this job?
Lesson 3–Script It: Words Matter
By the age of 10, neurodivergent kids hear 20,000 more negative statements about their behavior than their neurotypical peers. Some estimates say that number reaches nearly a million by age 18.
That negativity adds up. It shapes how they see themselves. And as dads, we have a choice in how we respond.
But let’s be honest—it’s hard to always get it right in the moment. That’s where scripting comes in. Instead of reacting with frustration, prepare a response in advance for the moments that push your buttons. What does that look like?
Instead of, “Why do you always leave your shoes in the middle of the doorway?” → Try, “I’m confused—I thought we agreed to put our shoes against the wall.”
Instead of, “You always forget to brush your teeth. Why do I always have to remind you?!” → Try, “Have you done everything you need to do tonight?”
These small shifts can change everything—it can turn a power struggle into a moment of collaboration.
Changing the script doesn’t mean ignoring expectations—it means shifting the focus to encourage cooperation instead of shame. Also, it reminds you to speak to them with a little respect & maturity instead of narrating steps for them.
Reflection:
- What’s one phrase you find yourself saying over and over that you could reframe?
- How can you remind yourself to pause and choose different words in the moment?
You’re Doing a Good Job
Dad, you’re trying. That means everything. Your kid doesn’t need a perfect parent—they need a steady, understanding coach who sees their strengths and supports their struggles.
And you don’t have to do this alone. Finding a community of dads who understand the challenges and joys of raising a neurodivergent kid can make all the difference. If you’re looking for other dads who get it, join us for our monthly Zoom call. You’re not on this journey by yourself—we’ve got your back.
