Your shadow self, not going anywhere

It’s not that I didn’t have help—I’ve been fortunate to have a family and a solid network of cheerleaders, fellow procrastinators, and deeply caring, understanding people just a text away. For that, I’m grateful.

But the real struggle happens in those quiet moments when that critical voice in your head won’t shut up, or when you start binge-watching the highlight reel of your past mistakes. You ignore it, try to distract yourself, maybe numb out in whatever way works for you. And let’s be honest—that voice? It’s probably never going away.

The good news? You don’t have to let it control you.

Now, I’m not going to tell you to start saying ‘nice’ things to yourself. Not yet, at least. Instead, try looking at this from a different perspective—invite your inner critic to the party. Feeling ashamed and not wanting to have anything to do with this a-hole is normal and natural. But the truth is, we are always talking to ourselves. And if you are reading this, my guess is that voice isn’t sounding so great at times. Your inner voice, your inner critic, your shadow self—he’s there, and he can cause some trouble.

In his book The Tools, Phil Stutz talks about our ‘inner authority’ and points out our ‘shadow self.’ This shadow self knows ALL about us—it’s us in that crappy form that haunts us, the version we are embarrassed about, ashamed of...he’s a monster.

What Stutz suggests is to remember that this ‘monster’ is a part of you. And not just acknowledge this unwelcome guest, but actually invite him along. By knowing he’s there (always), you take the power away. This could look like a lot of things, but the idea is that you recognize this critic and drag him with you, like it or not.

My affirmation looked like this—I imagine someone forced me to take this a-hole to a party and this is how I introduce him: “Ok. This is who I was. I won’t be ashamed any longer. He’s here to remind me he’s powerless and now has a front-row seat as I am changed and awesome. Everyone just ignore this tool.”*

*Of course, I’ve modified this to work for my own mental hygiene. 

How This Helps Dads Raising Neurodivergent Kids

Seriously, creating a little inner peace for yourself can have huge benefits in showing up for your family—especially for dads raising neurodivergent kids.

• No more surprises – By being honest about this uninvited version of yourself who is lurking all the time, you won’t be caught off guard when he shows up. You’ll know how to handle him instead of taking it out on your kids or spouse.
• Recover from frustration faster – Knowing where these thoughts are coming from helps you process them more effectively, reducing the likelihood of snapping at your child over something small.
• Lower toxic cycles – Letting go of harsh self-judgment and forgiving yourself can literally change your body chemistry, improving your mood, reducing anxiety, and helping with depression. Your kids will pick up on your emotional state—calm breeds calm.

Take a deep breath. Your kid is watching you, learning how to handle their own emotions by how you handle yours. When you mess up, begin again. That’s the best lesson you can teach.

-Mike